Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Alot of Happy, A Little Bit Of Sad

Its my daughters first birthday today! Its been such an absolute blessing watching her grow. I feel like I love her more and more everyday. All you mothers out there im sure know exactly what im talking about. Watching her personality form has been such a joy, it brings a smile to my face every time she displays what shes feeling :) I am so happy just to see her grow. Im not real sure what brought these feelings up but im a little sad too. You see before we concieved my precious one year old we were suffering through the loss of another baby.

I had a miscarriage 6 months prior to her, I was 3 months along. 3 months along in my dreams I had for that baby, 3 months along in buying pink little Tu-Tu's, 3 months along in trying to strong arm my husband in the name I wanted.
sounds like Sah-RYE

I was astonished at the pain I felt when I finally knew for shure she was gone. It still at times takes my breath away. Her birthday would have been September 29th. Which turns out was the day Emrey was concieved. God gave us a new life on a very special day. I must admit he works things  out so beautifully even through the pain.  We were not even trying to time it out that way. In fact I was getting really frustrated, we had been trying for two or three months for another baby.

I suppose im hurting for this other baby because I see how much joy Emrey brings and wish I would have known a little of that with Sarai. I used to wish so bad that I could have caught even a little glimpse of her. Other then the memories and the hope I have that I will see her again, all I have left of her is one photo. A photo I cherish and keep tucked away, all by itself, not even in a stack of other photographs. Its a photograph of my belly, just a little bit of a bump, but she was in there, and that is precisely what makes it so very special to me. It was the day I started to miscarry, I was scared that I would loose her so I had my husband take a photo.  I had a 35mm (crazy huh) at the time and he took the very last shot on the roll. After that picture I went straight to my doctor who stayed late and he listened for a heartbeat. We couldnt hear a thing. He made an appointment for the very next day to see an ultrasound tech. She could find nothing. I cryed and I cryed, I knew before I went there in the morning that I probably wouldnt
I wanted to catch a glimpse of Sarai before she left.

I was thinking about putting the photograph of my belly up but I dont have a scanner. Then I even thought that I should just take a picture of the picture and upload it on to here, but it feels just too personal. I realize that sounds silly when im spilling out my guts but I wont share that, but something about the picture is just to intimate.

If you are suffering through the loss of a misscarriage here are some things that helped me:
1) Talk about it whenever it comes up in your head during conversations. Dont not mention it just to make the other person
more confortable.
2) Listen to others stories of misscarriage it makes you feel less alone.
3) Read the Word. God led me to such a comforting verse when I did this, it stayed in my mind always.
"And we know that God causes everything to work together  for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them." -Romans 8:28
Around a month ago I came across this song at and in these lyrics they mention this exact verse (click on Joys Story. I felt like this song was written for me, it brought so much hope to my heart. One day I will see Sarai, and it wont be just a glimpse. I will hold her and hear her voice.

Glory Baby
By: Watermark

Glory Baby, You slipped away
As fast as we could say baby, baby
You were growing, what happened Dear,
You disappeared on us baby, baby
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe
Until we're home with you Until we're home with you
We miss you everyday, miss you in every way
But we know there's a day when we will hold you, we will hold you
And you'll kiss our tears away, when we're home to stay
*We can't wait for the day when we will see you, we will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you, until mom and dad can hold you*
You'll just have heaven before we do
You'll just have heaven before we do
Sweet little baby, it's hard to understand it
Cause we are hurting, we are hurting
But there is healing, and we know we're stronger people
Through the growing, and in knowing
All things work together for our good
And God works his purposes
Just like he said he would, just like he said he would
I can't imagine Heaven's lullabies
And what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing
Heaven is your home
And it's all you'll ever know, all you'll ever know

To listen to the song here is a link

I hope that it brings hope to you also. You see I wanted so bad to believe Sarai was in heaven but I just wasnt sure for awhile. I wasnt for sure until my husband had a dream several months ago. He dreamed he went to heaven and our brother-in-law that passed away just hours before Emrey was born, greeted him in Heaven. He said he had someone he wanted him to meet, he introduced him to Sarai.
He doesnt remember what she looked like though, im guessing God wants it to be a suprise. I cryed when he told me this dream. I knew in my heart God wanted to assure me that she was with him. God wanted to show me that at conception he gives every little one a soul. Thank you Lord for that! This song just reconfirmed that he was showing me she was in Heaven,
she was worth giving a soul to even if she was only a very, very tiny baby.

Happy Birthday Sweet Emrey Clarie


  1. There is some solice in the child. That child 'is' with God and .....Grandma and Grandpa. :o) Grandma LeFlore Loved to hold babies. She would hold Rhea and sing to her. And rock her. Rhea mostly screamed and it would hurt Mom's feelings. But the next day she would be holding her again. :o) Grandpa LeFlore loved to tease them. hehe
    You'll see little Sarai one day. He holds us all in his hands.

  2. Thanks aunt Mel
    That means alot to me
    I love to her about my grandparents.


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