I've definitely wanted to write this down for some time. I never want to forget anything, I want to be able to answer all Emrey's questions when shes younger and curious and then when shes older, pregnant, and seeking answers to calm her anxiety. I know when I was expecting and wanting answers, it was really frustrating to ask my mother and get, "I cant remember", or "I dont know." I know one way to help my memory store things for longer is talking about it, or better yet writing it down, so that is exactly what I'm going to do.
My birth story is definatly a unique one, a tragedy is woven into the pure bliss, and joyful moments. I'll start from the beginning...
My pregnancy was such a mess. I had a miscarriage 6 months prior to getting pregnant with Emrey. You can read about that
HERE
In addition a month into my pregnancy I had bleeding for a couple days and had to be checked into the hospital for a bunch of testing. I thought for shure, "here we go again." It started while we were on a date celebrating the pregnancy. We left the movie right away (cloudy with a chance of meatballs) and drove home. On the drive home the radio was playing Focus on The Family, the guest speaker was Phil Vischer, the creator of Veggie Tales. I'll never forget what he was speaking on, he was talking about what it means when God gives you a dream and then takes it away. It spoke to me so much at that moment, when we got home I turned the radio on and layed on the floor crying, listening to it. He lost Veggie Tales, he lost everything and talks about giving up his dreams. You can listen to it
HERE. The part that really got to me was where he was talking about the woman whos one and only son was brought back to life. I thought for shure that I was miscarrying again, I thought for shure I just couldn't carry a baby to term. I was just so devastated and this really helped me to just give it to God. Only he could carry me through this. He did. The next day we found out at the hospital I was still carrying Emrey, that she was still in there, still with us.
There were other issues with my pregnancy though. I have a Bicornuate Uterus, which can be really complicated. The baby can run out of room in the uterus or the placenta can attach to a part of the uterus that would not give blood. My doctor wasn't too worried though, so I wasn't. That is until well meaning friends freaked me out and told me it was a big deal and I should be worried.
Then later on in my pregnancy Emrey turned sideways (Transverse) and wouldn't flip back. We waited and finally at 34 or 36 weeks ( I can't remember) we got sent 3 1/2 hours away to a specialist in Denver to do a procedure to turn the baby. An external cephalic version can be really painful and has some risk. Basically they lube up your belly and with two hands try and move the baby to were its supposed to be. We got to the hospital and checked in. We were really excited, I was all gowned up and ready to go, then they brought a sono machine in and checked Emreys possition, and thanks to God hearing all our prayers she was head down! Im telling you I never felt her turn, and that far into pregnancy you should be able to feel it.
Oh yeah did I mention that two days prior my dad had been flight for lifed to Colorado Springs? Which means if I had went into labor after the procedure which was likely, he wouldnt have been able to see her. Messy pregnancy huh? We drove home from Denver without a baby in the backseat which was both a bummer and a blessing all at once.
Finally 40 weeks came and went and I didn't have any signs of a baby wanting to come out, NONE.
So on monday June, 28th 2010 at 8pm we were checked into our hospital to get things started. This was after dinner at our favorite dinner spot for one last date. My husband is the best. At the hospital they gave me a pill that was supposed to soften the cervix, which I recieved two of, to no avial. That night was so crappy, no sleep, anxiety, wonder. Then with no breakfast they started me on PIT at 8 am. It was easy peasy until they wouldnt let me walk around anymore. I just wanted to walk around, I thought that if I could do this with the contractions I would dialate. Nope, the machine wouldnt work when I walked , my belly was too tight. So around 11 am during a stupid "dont shake your baby" video that was depressing and horrifying my husband left the room to update the family with a call. He never came back. I was getting a little annoyed, wondering why he wasnt here with me, wasnt he curious as to how things were going? After about 45 minutes I heard his voice in the doorway ask a nurse for my phone. When he left I asked the nurse if he was crying, I thought his voice sounded funny but I couldnt see him because of the curtain. She said yeah its just really an emotional time, to which I told her "no I dont think hes crying because of me, I bet something happend." I then said, "I bet someone got into a car accident or something, his family is so big somethings always happening." Which it had been, in the past year I bet there had been 3 ambulance runs for people in his family. I really wasnt worried until he finally came into the room, he wasnt alone though he had two preachers with him. I was walking out of the restroom and the lady preacher took my by the arm and said "you need to sit down, something happend."
It was such a wierd expierence, I sat down and while my husband was crying they told me that my sister-in-laws husband had fallen at work into a grain bin. They couldnt get down to him. They didnt know if he was dead or alive. We all prayed right then and there. I prayed so hard that God would give him air, that he was alive. I had such a peace about it. I was then annoyed about all the people in the room with us. I was lying in the hospital bed, with horrible contractions. We got the news that he was dead about an hour later.
Its so hard to explain what I was feeling. I asked my husband to squeeze my leg when I was having a contraction. It helped so much to get me through them. He kept drifting off though, he couldnt do it, and my contractions were never ending, right ontop of eachother. All you mothers out there understand that when your in labor you literally cant think of anything else, your extremley task oriented. Which is what we learned from birth class and turned out to be exactly true. It was weird but I couldnt grieve for him, I couldnt be sad, I litterally made myself put it out of my mind. Consciously. My contractions were so bad and my husband wasnt squeezing my leg I finally looked at him, I took his hands and looked into his eyes and said, "honey I need you here with me, we cant deal with both of these things, this is here. We need to put that aside until we CAN deal with it." He squeezed my hand and checked in with me. He went and got me a popscicle which helped me immensely, it was hands down the best i've ever had. Then I made him get two more. The nurse cut me off after that though and I was so frustrated.
I got checked for the 100th time and nothing had changed, no dialation, not thinned cervex, nothing. The doctor mentioned c-section and I was like, "absolutley not". Having one had NEVER crossed my mind. I wanted a drug free, no interferance, birth. I told him to give me more time. I would dialate I told him. So he brought in a sono machine and looked at everything, her fluid levels were a 2, anything under 10 is unsafe. So he immediatly said it was unsafe for her to be in there and I needed a c-section. I was realy uncomfortable because the contractions were really hard and never stopped. People were still walking in and out, and I wanted to be alone with Mitch because of the pain. They gave me a shot to make the contractions to stop and waisted no time at all.
I was so extremely scared. I cant even put to words the fear I had, i've never even had stiches before. I was most scared about the shot in the spine they give you to numb you. I felt so helpless, running away very literally crossed my mind. My husband put some scrubs on and they put the cathader in, which is waaay easier going in then comeing out! They put me in a wheelchair and wheeled me to surgery, alone. I wanted my husband to hold my hand so badly. I prayed and took deep breaths the whole way. I was on the verge of having an anxiety attack. Those prayers and God held me together and gave me some peace.
The shot they gave me really didn't hurt anymore then any other shot, which still blows my mind. Again I completely believe God was my relief.
After all the Nurses and Doctors got me ready they let my husband in, he walked straight towards me and bent down and held me (as best he could). Whithing minutes they had my little darling girl on the baby station cleaning her off and up. She was screaming so hard I thought something was wrong with her and I was freaking out and asking my husband what was going on. He jsut kept assuring me and telling me she was fine. The first thing I asked when they were taking her out, before she even cryed was, "does she have hair?" Haha! I was bald until after my first birthday so this was a really big deal to us :). She did have hair, they said laughing. She scored a 10 on her APGAR which is'nt done too much. God absolutley blessed us with a strong and healthy girl, he heard each and everyone of the prayers that were lifted up by family, friends, and I. I obviously couldnt get up and walk over to where they were cleaning her off so I had my husband take picture of her and bring it over
I've heard people say no matter what you'll think your babies cute, thats a lie. This picture freaked me out :) But then he showed me this one...
Awwww, she was a beauty. The first picture just didnt capture it haha. She was perfect.
As this picture of her 3 days later shows. I was so happy to hold her and have her. It was weird but it didn't feel like I was ever going to have her, I just kept thinking "okay maybe that just means she is going to be still born or something." I know that sounds weird but it was like a little piece of me didn't want to get head-over-heels excited just in case something did happen. I just couldn't give my whole self into thinking everything was going to be okay I guess. Before they let us go home the next day the Doctor came in to check on both of us, he asked me how I was handling everything. I told him I was okay, and that's pretty much all I said. I knew I should be feeling more then I was about it, but I just wasn't. I cried but it wasnt like it should be. I thought for awhile maybe I was just tough or cold hearted. It wasn't until a year later that it all hit me and I was able to deal with it like a normal person. During labor I just shoved it so deep inside of me that it took that long to burst up. Like when you shove an inflatable ball down under water at the pool, the father under water you push it the longer it takes to reemerge, and when it does it bursts forcefully into the air. That was just like my experience. When my sister-in-law got engaged it brought all those feelings I hadn't dealt with up, I cried several times a day for a week or two. It wasn't about the situation necessarily,
it was just it made him that much more
gone.
When he died, he was a month shy of a one year wedding anniversary, he was a week shy of celebrating his first child's one month birthday. Life is in no way fair but who are we to question God. Does the clay a potter is forming cry out to the hands that are forming it, "No I don't want to be an ashtray, I want to be a flower pot." No it does no good.
We can cry when life hurts us.
But it just gets you no where questioning Gods motives.
"Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely." -1 Corinthians 13:12
One day God will show us all the answers to all the questions we have ever had, we will know all things.
I will know why the first morning home with my baby I was getting us ready for her uncles funeral.
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